Wiring.
Almost two years ago, I did a show called The Way We're Wired. Some of you might remember, some of you might not... that's really okay.
I was nineteen. I played a thirty-six-year-old named April.
Playing April was almost like a birth process... it hurt. It hurt a lot. She hit very, very close to home for me, and I can say, honestly and truly, that she is my favorite character I have ever played. Ever. (Yes. Even counting Gwendolen.)
April was a career student. She had gone to school most of her adult life... she knew Cantonese, Mandarin Chinese, Korean, Japanese, and ASL. She had an MBA and a JD-- she had gone to school for her entire adult life. She seemed to be pretty set. She had never been married, nor ever had a serious relationship; the script implies she is attractive enough, that she "should have been popular in high school", but she is a little shy and doesn't handle personal relationships very well.
April: (nervous) And I've worked eighteen jobs the last five years since I passed the bar because nothing is quite right and I'm basically overqualified for everything. And three different law firms wanted me for like... insurance law, which I could do, but how do I get from there to where I really want to be? Cause most businesses are leery of hiring a woman to run things anyway, throw in the Asian culture thing, sexism is multi-cultural, not that I'm complaining, of course I understand, I don't blame them, I'd be leery too. Experience, that's what it's really all about, not gender, they just want someone experienced, which I'm not. Just really, really qualified, you know? . . . and in the meantime I telemarket, and it's really not that bad a job. Really, it isn't.
Throughout the play, April dates Andy. The scene where she spills out her heart to him was always the hardest for me. I am not an actress who cries. Four times during the run, I cried while I did this monologue.
April: The thing is, I did it. I really did. I just looked around the room and I picked up my purse and I just... left. Thinking... I don't know. That call maybe saved my soul. . . and so now I'm unemployed. Again. Overqualified. As usual. For everything. And... outside. And Sandra thinks I'm a loser, and maybe, I don't know-- I know. But I'm still unemployed. Still broke. And still a loser, according to Sandra. . . . I always find something, that's not the point. Of course I'll find something. But will it be better? I don't even know. What do I have to look forward to? It's like, I'm in here, encased, you know? And there, beyond the... I don't know, the glass, outside the window, there's life out there and I have done everything I can think of to break through.
Today I realized that I am still April. As I walked away from my job in telemarketing and straight into the all-too-familiar arms of unemployment... I knew that I was doing the right thing, but that monologue kept ringing in my head. Over and over and over again, I could hear the sound of my own voice cracking on closing night as it repeated the last line.
I will not be scared any more. April found her strength, and I will find mine... but I will not bend low anymore just to satisfy the needs of everyone else I know.
This is about me now.
I was nineteen. I played a thirty-six-year-old named April.
Playing April was almost like a birth process... it hurt. It hurt a lot. She hit very, very close to home for me, and I can say, honestly and truly, that she is my favorite character I have ever played. Ever. (Yes. Even counting Gwendolen.)
April was a career student. She had gone to school most of her adult life... she knew Cantonese, Mandarin Chinese, Korean, Japanese, and ASL. She had an MBA and a JD-- she had gone to school for her entire adult life. She seemed to be pretty set. She had never been married, nor ever had a serious relationship; the script implies she is attractive enough, that she "should have been popular in high school", but she is a little shy and doesn't handle personal relationships very well.
April: (nervous) And I've worked eighteen jobs the last five years since I passed the bar because nothing is quite right and I'm basically overqualified for everything. And three different law firms wanted me for like... insurance law, which I could do, but how do I get from there to where I really want to be? Cause most businesses are leery of hiring a woman to run things anyway, throw in the Asian culture thing, sexism is multi-cultural, not that I'm complaining, of course I understand, I don't blame them, I'd be leery too. Experience, that's what it's really all about, not gender, they just want someone experienced, which I'm not. Just really, really qualified, you know? . . . and in the meantime I telemarket, and it's really not that bad a job. Really, it isn't.
Throughout the play, April dates Andy. The scene where she spills out her heart to him was always the hardest for me. I am not an actress who cries. Four times during the run, I cried while I did this monologue.
April: The thing is, I did it. I really did. I just looked around the room and I picked up my purse and I just... left. Thinking... I don't know. That call maybe saved my soul. . . and so now I'm unemployed. Again. Overqualified. As usual. For everything. And... outside. And Sandra thinks I'm a loser, and maybe, I don't know-- I know. But I'm still unemployed. Still broke. And still a loser, according to Sandra. . . . I always find something, that's not the point. Of course I'll find something. But will it be better? I don't even know. What do I have to look forward to? It's like, I'm in here, encased, you know? And there, beyond the... I don't know, the glass, outside the window, there's life out there and I have done everything I can think of to break through.
Today I realized that I am still April. As I walked away from my job in telemarketing and straight into the all-too-familiar arms of unemployment... I knew that I was doing the right thing, but that monologue kept ringing in my head. Over and over and over again, I could hear the sound of my own voice cracking on closing night as it repeated the last line.
I will not be scared any more. April found her strength, and I will find mine... but I will not bend low anymore just to satisfy the needs of everyone else I know.
This is about me now.
4 Comments:
I remember.
You were wonderful....
And we talked remember? And in a way you are april.
And those good things will happen for you. You're just amazing.
It's funny, I think, how often we associate ourselves with our work. I know I've been having trouble with that lately. I find that when my identity, strength, and feelings of self-worth are nearly sapped, I can always rely on a certain few friends who act as lighthouses, to guide me through the torrents. I can captain my ship through almost anything with the right crew steering her home.
Be they real-life, cyber, or the occasional coupling of the two, our friends teach, inspire, and reveal our true selves.
You'll find work you like or die trying. Any of us who know and love you believe that.
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wow, this guy matt's amazing, and so are you ma'am, i find reading this is kind of like... a preview as to what and how adults live.
Some adults like you, and like matt here, are full of incredible insight, and amazing comments, and compliments.
You see, sometimes I find myself at a loss for words, and nothing much is coming out of my mind right now. I'm a High School student still, trying to look for a spot in the raging flood that sweeps over my head everyday. Be it because my young age, or perhaps my ignorance, I don't know.
But be that as it may. We are a people prone to looking for ways out, and ways for survival. And I think that we are good at that.
Thanks for the blog my lady, it was a matter of rebirth of some long lost emotions.
Good luck with everything.
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